ISSUES
: Domestic Violence
Chapter 2: Tackling domestic abuse
30
A vital link in the chain: it’s time we helped
friends and family talk about abuse
I
t should be a national scandal.
Just last year, one in 15
women, and one in every 33
men experienced domestic abuse
in their relationship. A quarter of
women and a ninth of men have had
an abusive partner.
Despite the serious physical,
emotional and financial harm
victims can experience, it is still
predominantly a hidden crime – little
talked about, and little reported.
New research from Citizens Advice
found only 14 per cent of victims had
ever told the police, and only two per
cent told a specialist domestic abuse
worker. We know from our service,
that many victims won’t disclose
abuse unless they are proactively
asked. As victims struggle to speak
up and seek help, the gap between
them and services there to support
and protect them stretches large.
“No-one asked. No-one asked
me and I just didn’t tell”
We need to make it easier for
victims to seek help earlier on in an
abusive relationship. Social networks
surrounding victims – friends, family,
colleagues and neighbours – are a
vital link in the chain. They may not
be domestic abuse experts, they can
be the crucial person who bridges the
gap between a victim and a specialist.
Social networks can support a victim
by giving them somewhere safe to
stay, building up their self-esteem,
encouraging them to seek specialist
help and being there to talk through
their options.
But by and large, the public don’t
feel confident about how best
to help a friend who might be
experiencing abuse. Even close
friends can struggle to spot abuse,
and worry about how to ask whether
everything’s OK.
“I stayed [because] no-one
helped me leave”
As a society we struggle to recognise
abuse, particularly when it doesn’t
fit a stereotype of a powerful,
male perpetrator inflicting physical
violence on a vulnerable, female
victim. Where abuse doesn’t fit this
mould – where people are friends
with both parties, where abuse is
emotional or financial, or bound up
with mental health issues, where the
perpetrator is repentant, kind, funny
or self-assured, where the victim is
successful and confident in public,
where the couple are no longer
together, or casually dating, or the
same sex – we may be less quick to
spot and challenge abuse.
In our survey, only six per cent of
people strongly agreed it’s always
easy to know what counts as abuse.
And only a third feel confident they
could spot domestic abuse if it was
going on in a friend’s relationship.
Even if someone knows abuse is
going on, that doesn’t mean they feel
equipped to deal with the situation.
“Heads turned in the other
direction. I don’t blame them.
I forgive them. They were
scared too”
It’s nobody’s fault – it’s a
sensitive subject, and people are
understandably
worried
about
doing the wrong thing or making
things worse. It can be hard to know
what being a good friend is in such
a difficult situation: does it mean
saying what you think (and saying
they should leave the relationship),
or listening to and respecting their
friend’s wishes, even if they want to
stay with someone they’re afraid of?
It might not be cut and dried; at some
points victims may need practical
solutions offered, at others they may
simply want someone to talk to who
won’t judge them and who’ll believe
what they say.
When we asked the public whether
there were any reasons they wouldn’t
tell somebody if they were worried
about abuse, only 16% said nothing
would stop them.
So despite caring, friends and family
might struggle to engage if they have
suspicions about domestic abuse.
And that can be made even harder if
the perpetrator of abuse isolates the
victim, or manipulates the friendship
group.
We need to support the
supporters
Those
surrounding
abusive
relationships need support too –
friends or family who might have
concerns about someone close to
them, but don’t know what to say, or
whether they should say anything at
all.
Broadening the range of people
who might help someone escape
from abuse, can in turn reduce the
number of cases which escalate to
By Imogen Parker
