ISSUES
: Domestic Violence
Chapter 1: Domestic violence
6
What is gaslighting?
“You’re crazy – that never
happened”
“Are you sure? You tend to
have a bad memory”
“It’s all in your head”
Does your partner repeatedly say
things like this to you? Do you
often start questioning your own
perception of reality, even your own
sanity, within your relationship? If
so, your partner may be using what
mental health professionals call
“gaslighting”.
This term comes from the 1938 stage
play
Gas Light
, in which a husband
attempts to drive his wife crazy
by dimming the lights (which were
powered by gas) in their home, and
then he denies that the light changed
when his wife points it out. It is an
extremely effective form of emotional
abuse that causes a victim to question
their own feelings, instincts and sanity,
which gives the abusive partner a lot
of power (and we know that abuse
is about power and control). Once
an abusive partner has broken down
the victim’s ability to trust their own
perceptions, the victim is more likely
to stay in the abusive relationship.
There are a variety of gaslighting
techniques that an abusive partner
might use:
Withholding
The abusive partner pretends not to
understand or refuses to listen. Ex.
“I don’t want to hear this again,” or
“You’re trying to confuse me.”
Countering
The abusive partner questions the
victim’s memory of events, even
when the victim remembers them
accurately. Ex. “You’re wrong, you
never remember things correctly.”
Blocking/Diverting
The abusive partner changes the
subject and/or questions the victim’s
thoughts. Ex. “Is that another crazy
idea you got from [friend/family
member]?” or “You’re imagining
things.”
Trivialising
The abusive partner makes the
victim’s needs or feelings seem
unimportant. Ex. “You’re going to get
angry over a little thing like that?” or
“You’re too sensitive.”
Forgetting/Denial
The abusive partner pretends to have
forgotten what actually occurred or
denies things like promises made
to the victim. Ex. “I don’t know what
you’re talking about,” or “You’re just
making stuff up.”
Gaslighting
typically
happens very gradually in
a relationship; in fact, the
abusive partner’s actions
may seem harmless at
first. Over time, however,
these abusive patterns
continue and a victim
can become confused,
anxious, isolated and
depressed, and they can
lose all sense of what
is actually happening.
Then they start relying
on the abusive partner
more and more to define
reality, which creates a
very difficult situation to
escape.
In order to overcome
this type of abuse,
it’s important to start
recognising the signs and eventually
learn to trust yourself again. According
to author and psychoanalyst Robin
Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a
victim of gaslighting include:
Ö
Ö
You constantly second-guess
yourself.
Ö
Ö
You ask yourself, “Am I too
sensitive?” multiple times a day.
Ö
Ö
You often feel confused and even
crazy.
Ö
Ö
You’re always apologizing to your
partner.
Ö
Ö
You can’t understand why, with
so many apparently good things
in your life, you aren’t happier.
Ö
Ö
You frequently make excuses
for your partner’s behaviour to
friends and family.
Ö
Ö
You find yourself withholding
information from friends and
family so you don’t have to explain
or make excuses.
Ö
Ö
You know something is terribly
wrong, but you can never quite
expresswhat it is, even to yourself.
Ö
Ö
You start lying to avoid the put
downs and reality twists.
Ö
Ö
You have trouble making simple
decisions.
Ö
Ö
You have the sense that you used
to be a very different person –
more confident, more fun-loving,
more relaxed.
Ö
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You feel hopeless and joyless.
Ö
Ö
You feel as though you can’t do
anything right.
Ö
Ö
You wonder if you are a “good
enough” partner.
Ö
Ö
The above information is
reprinted with kind permission
from The National Domestic
Violence Hotline. Please visit
for further
information.
© The National Domestic
Violence Hotline 2016
