ISSUES
: Domestic Violence
Chapter 1: Domestic violence
9
5.
They try to control you and treat
you like a child.
6.
They correct or chastise you for
your behaviour.
7.
You feel like you need permission
to make decisions or go out
somewhere.
8.
They try to control the finances
and how you spend money.
9.
They belittle and trivialise you,
your accomplishments or your
hopes and dreams.
10.
They try to make you feel as
though they are always right and
you are wrong.
11.
They give you disapproving or
contemptuous looks or body
language.
12.
They regularly point out your
flaws, mistakes or shortcomings.
13.
They accuse or blame you of
things you know aren’t true.
14.
They have an inability to laugh
at themselves and can’t tolerate
others laughing at them.
15.
They are intolerant of any seeming
lack of respect.
16.
They make excuses for their
behaviour, try to blame others and
have difficulty apologising.
17.
They repeatedly cross your
boundaries and ignore your requests.
18.
They blame you for their problems,
life difficulties or unhappiness.
19.
They call you names, give you
unpleasant labels or make cutting
remarks under their breath.
20.
They are emotionally distant or
emotionally unavailable most of
the time.
21.
They resort to pouting or
withdrawal to get attention or
attain what they want.
22.
They don’t show you empathy or
compassion.
23.
They play the victim and try to
deflect blame to you rather than
taking personal responsibility.
24.
They disengage or use neglect
or abandonment to punish or
frighten you.
25.
They don’t seem to notice or care
about your feelings.
26.
They view you as an extension
of themselves rather than as an
individual.
27.
They withhold sex as a way to
manipulate and control.
28.
They share personal information
about you with others.
29.
They invalidate or deny their
emotionally abusive behaviour
when confronted.
30.
They make subtle threats or
negative remarks with the intent
to frighten or control you.
The first step for those being
emotionally abused is recognising
it’s happening. If you recognise any
of the signs of emotional abuse in
your relationship, you need to be
honest with yourself so you can
regain power over your own life,
stop the abuse and begin to heal.
For those who’ve been minimising,
denying and hiding the abuse, this
can be a painful and frightening first
step.
The stress of emotional abuse will
eventually catch up with you in the
form of illness, emotional trauma,
depression or anxiety. You simply
can’t allow it to continue, even if it
means ending the relationship. A
licensed counsellor who is trained
in abusive relationships can help
you navigate the pain and fears of
leaving the relationship and work
with you to rebuild your self-esteem.
Can an emotional abuser change?
It is possible if the abuser deeply
desires to change and recognises
his or her abusive patterns and the
damage caused by them. However,
the learned behaviours and feelings
of entitlement and privilege are very
difficult to change. The abusers tend
to enjoy the power they feel from
emotional abuse, and as a result, a
very low percentage of abusers can
turn themselves around.
According to Lundy Bancroft, author
of the book
Why Does He Do That?:
Inside the Minds of Angry and
Controlling Men
, here are some of
the changes an abuser (either man
or woman) needs to make to begin
recovery:
Ö
Ö
Admit fully to what they have
done.
Ö
Ö
Stop making excuses and
blaming others.
Ö
Ö
Make amends.
Ö
Ö
Accept
responsibility
and
recognise that abuse is a choice.
Ö
Ö
Identify
the
patterns
of
controlling behaviour they use.
Ö
Ö
Identify the attitudes that drive
their abuse.
Ö
Ö
Accept
that
overcoming
abusiveness is a decades-
long process – not declaring
themselves ‘cured’.
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Ö
Not demanding credit for
improvements they’ve made.
Ö
Ö
Not treating improvements
as vouchers to be spent on
occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I
haven’t done anything like this
in a long time, so it’s not a big
deal).
Ö
Ö
Develop
respectful,
kind,
supportive behaviours.
Ö
Ö
Carry their weight and sharing
power.
Ö
Ö
Change how they respond
to their partner’s (or former
partner’s) anger and grievances.
Ö
Ö
Change how they act in heated
conflicts.
Ö
Ö
Accept the consequences of
their actions (including not
feeling sorry for themselves
about the consequences and
not blaming their partner or
children for them).
If the emotional abuser in your
relationship isn’t interested in
changing, and you aren’t in a
position to leave the relationship
immediately, here are some
strategies for reclaiming your power
and self-esteem for the short term:
Put your own needs first.
Stop worrying about pleasing or
protecting the abuser. Take care
of yourself and your needs, and
let the other person worry about
themselves – even when they pout
or try to manipulate you and control
your behaviour.
Set some firm boundaries. Tell
your abuser he or she may no longer
yell at you, call you names, be rude to
you, etc. If the bad behaviour occurs,
let them know you will not tolerate it
and leave the room or get in the car
and drive to a friend’s house.
